First Day:
As the school bell rang a wave of students made their way to their first period class. The halls were bustling with noise and loud chatter. Each student filling in the others with what they did over the summer. Mouths ran fast with story after story rushing past everyone’s ears. All the students looked happy even though this was the start of a long journey to the end of the school year. On the first people tend not to really worry about the future, it's the only day of the year that people live in the present and just have fun.
The school as a whole was exactly the same as it was last year. We come to expect the school to change in one way shape or form from year to year but for some reason nothing was different. The same gloomy paint job, the same narrow hallways. Even the teachers were all the same for once. As students made their way to their classes, everyone began to split up to find their first period. Large groups have kids shooting off of them like missiles as they ran to class. With schedules in hand, the freshmen looked as if they were on a tour at Disney world. Not on their way to class. Their eyes darted across the campus searching for old friends and sometimes fresh starts.
The second bell rang and now the halls were all but empty. A few stragglers were still searching for their classes but one by one disappeared behind the heavy metal doors of the classrooms. No one was saying but everyone was thinking it: “I can't wait for the rest of the year.”
Last Day:
People were sitting in their desks tapping the pencils on the metal frames. Their eyes were fixated on the clock waiting for that magical number 3:15 to appear. Legs bouncing up and down to try and contain the excitement everyone was feeling. The teacher had put on a movie earlier in the period, they weren’t going to even attempt to grab the kids attentions on the last day of school. It had been a rough year with its ups and downs but everyone was now looking forward to either college or summer vacation. Everyone was looking towards the future and what it had to hold.
It was 3:10 and people were walking around the halls. Yelling and screaming and yet quiet. That’s when people realized nobody was talking. Everything was silent save the movie and the ticks of the clock. Students were just too preoccupied with their futures to even worry about starting conversations with people they only sort of liked. At the end of every year people get sick of each other. Too much interaction throughout the year caused too much drama and too much hatred (Don’t worry, everyone with forget everything bad that happened next year).
3:14. It was almost time. People grabbed their bags and leaned forward in their seats. Everyone could taste the freedom right in front of them. The teacher began packing everything up and wishing their students a happy summer break. Again no one was listening. Although, one person did say “you too!”. The bell sound radiated throughout the halls and everyone raced out the doors. Summer was finally here.
Vincent, this is a great blog! I like how you changed the last day of school to be different from what others would normally think. You said that people would get sick of one another. I never thought about it in that light. I would give this blog a band 2 because you effectively used imagery, you had a strong sense of voice, and you had great structure.
ReplyDeleteOkay first off, we had a lotttt of new teachers this year (Mr. G, Mrs. Koch, Mr. Wood, the amazing/good-looking Keith Scalia, the list goes on), secondly, the last day of school is typically a half day, not a full day. Get wrecked.
ReplyDeleteOn to grading, I would give this a mid Band 3, mark 15. Your focus was consistent and had a clear structure, but it seemed rushed. You have a lot of potential, you're a really smart student and I wish you would take more time on these blogs because you could really write killer ones.
I enjoyed reading your blog, however, you don't do the best job of describing the atmosphere. In almost all instances, you could have found better words and phrases that would make the reader feel more in the moment. You had a very clean structure and you did stay on task and keep the focus. That being said, I'd probable give you a band 2 just because I know that you could have done a better job if you would have tried harder.
ReplyDeleteYou blog had a good flow to it, Lacking technical errors like many others. The structure was pretty simplistic and worked well. While you used imagery very well, you didn't have a strong voice and lacked tone. This made for the absences of an atmosphere. Due to this I would say band 3.
ReplyDeleteI think that you had some really good imagery, especially in your second paragraph. You did a decent job in describing the atmosphere but obviously it wasn't perfect. Though, I feel like your descriptions of those days kinda made of for it, like Will said. There were a few spelling errors at times but the focus was clear, so overall I would give you a band 2.
ReplyDeleteYou don't do the best job of describing the atmosphere. You could have used better diction and tone to convey your point, but you had a nice structure and flow. Band 2 for dern sure
ReplyDeleteNice title, but it surely doesn't fill in the gaps of your lack of imagery and focus. There a glimpse in paragraph two but it needs to be steady. band 3....
ReplyDelete