To the MIA School Board and Administration,
No matter where you go you will find issues with every school. There is no “perfect” place. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t look at the problems we have and try to fix them. While there are several specific issues I wish to address, I will only be covering the three biggest that I believe have the most adverse effect on Marco Island Academy.
When it comes to mentoring I understand the point of it. I believe it was originally created in order to prevent an overflow of students in the lunch pavilion due to increased student population and school popularity. However, now it has become something that traps students to one room in the school, preventing them from taking a proper break in the day. Many students also simply say that there is not enough time during the lunch segment to actually eat their lunch. While I do not experience the same problem, I do see why they may have this issue. I believe that there should be on large open lunch period where students are allowed to do as they please during that time. They could either eat lunch, go to a club, or receive extra help from a teacher of their choosing. This allows everyone the freedom to choose and make their own decisions, which is a valuable skill in the workforce and adult world. It may also prepare us for college as there students are offered almost unlimited freedom in designing the academic timetable of their education. If MIA claims to prepare students for college and beyond then it needs to start preparing us with freedom of choice and giving us the respect that we deserve to make our own decisions.
Personal freedoms is a common complaint with MIA. The “caging of the cell phones” is the most widespread complaint with this institution. This is the most blatant disregard of student’s freedoms. I do not believe that the misdeeds of a few should result in punishment of the many. We should focus more on attempting to reprimand students whom abuse the policy of personal device usage, rather than simply taking the easy way out and simply banning them in the classroom. I repeat, how can this school claim to prepare its students for the outside world when the students are treated like they can not be trusted. A new policy should be put in place where students are trusted instead of immediately punished even if they did nothing wrong. We should allow students to keep their phone on their person and only use it with the permission of the teacher. If the student is caught using the phone improperly then they should be punished with however the teacher deems necessary. Allowing the use of cellphones and giving students the responsibility of trust and honesty is the best way to prepare students for the “real world”.
My final recommendation is one that I thought about excluding from this letter but decided to include due to its importance. The students of MIA are some of the most kind and caring I have met in my entire life. However, there are a select few students that should simply not be attending this school. At Marco Island Academy there is a huge drug and alcohol problem within a large portion of the student body. These problems are all but ignored and really hinder the public view of the school. Many students that do not attend MIA know this and refer to MIA as a rampant drug school. The administration of this school needs to deal with obvious student offenders in order to better show the public we are to be respected.
First of all, hahahahahahahaha - - I read this, "They could either eat lunch, go to a club, or receive extra help from a teacher of their choosing," and thought you meant like a night club. Good times.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't tell if you mentioned all three issues you said wanted to address?? Maybe you ran out of time or maybe I'm just having troubles processing (like that isn't already obvious re: my night club thoughts).
As for the grade on a rubric, if you had more meat on these bones I'd probably give you at least a band 3 but these 285 words are pulling that score down a bit Vin. I think you did a really good job with being understanding of the audience and if you had more words I think you'd have more solutions which would cause this to follow the prompt a bit more but I'd give you a Band 4 because of your clear focus, your sense of audience, the beginning of your sense of structure, and your few technical errors.
Um yeah I fixed it. Give it another read. I addressed more issues.
DeleteHahahahahahaha
DeleteLike the expansion of ideas and a very impressive 618 word count. Good job finishing this post but I'd say Band 2-ish because you didn't necessarily wrap anything up or even sign "-Vinny." Eh pretty good tho so far.
DeleteI would give this blog a band 4. You could have went in depth more in your blog. Provide more details to backup your reasons which will help your blog a lot more. Your structure is there as well as your sense of audience of audience and voice.
ReplyDeleteDANG. With the last paragraph, I love how you admitted to the underground lifestyle at MIA. Many just look the other way, turn the other cheek, and it needs to stop. Every point you made was something I agreed with in general, but became more passionate about due to your language and persuasion. Also, you did a great job at continuing the professional tone and writing to an audience.
ReplyDeleteI think you hit good points Vincent. I would give this a a low band 2. I say this because, while you touch on points, I think you should address how it would improve their lives in the aspect of the school if your changes were implemented. I enjoyed reading it and I liked how you used a (for the most part) professional tone. Also have a conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI can't my conclusion is stuck in your corneas.
DeleteWell done and well structured, the statement I enjoyed the most was "how can this school claim to prepare its students for the outside world when the students are treated like they can not be trusted" it actually gave me a tiny sense of anger, persuasion was well done, it gave this blog a voice. good job. :)
ReplyDeleteI would give you a low band 2. I think you could have went into way more detail but overall you had the good idea. You had great points and had a great structure. With more time I think you could make this piece a one.
ReplyDeleteTo start, I do appreciate how you point out the problems that other students may be facing that aren't particular to you, specifically the lunch length problem. Mentoring does definitely seem like an overflow control. The only issue I find with your argument is that you come up with half a solution to the problem, by giving students freedom to go to clubs or lunch. The larger 99% of the school will indefinitely choose lunch for a social hour over clubs, resulting in an overflow of lunch once again. The freedom is a very good idea, but will result in other problems.
ReplyDeleteYour writing was very on task and specific. You address your argument clearly and uniformly. It's organized and effective because you state the typical counter argument before stating yours.
I really enjoyed reading this blog, I would agree with Elizabeth that you deserve a band 2. I really liked how you explained each of the problems you felt regard this school and give ways in which you feel they can be resolved. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with all your points. I feel like everything ties about to one main point and that is trust. We are not trusted and therefore have less freedom. But not all of us have made the mistake that we should be punished as a whole for. Personally, I do not like the idea of mentoring. I feel like students dread going to mentoring everyday. Providing a longer lunch and giving us that freedom is something that we need to take a break during the day. I see the drug problem directly and it is very interesting that you pointed it out because I feel like most people just ignore it or laugh at it.
ReplyDeleteYou presented all of your points that are relatable and followed them with a solution. I enjoyed reading this but its not quite a band 1. Maybe some more detail and specific points could bump it up.
Agreeing with Elizabeth, I would give you a low Band 2. Specifically a Band 2, 18. While reading your blog, I couldn't detect the professionalism, instead I thought your letter was very sarcastic, which I didn't like very much. You brought up several points that I agree with, but you lacked in depth and details at time. This blog wasn't up to the potential I know you are capable of. But all in all, you did complete the task, just not as great as I know you can do.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog, I would grade it as a low band 2 based on the criteria provided by the AICE exam rubric. Your letter to the board of MIA was well thought out, had an appropriate form for the task, and engages your target audience. Your use of language and rhetorical devices aid in your letter's overall effectiveness. In addition, your structure is clear and makes your letter comprehensible. Overall, your blog post was well written and accomplishes the task provided by the prompt.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Poey Joliti on the low band 2. I think that your tone was wrong. It seemed more angry than you might've intended it to be, or more demanding. Probably both, knowing you. I kid ;). I do think, though, that you understood your audience but not how to address them properly in a polite way. You say "Personal freedoms is a common complaint with MIA." and I don't think that exemplifies what you were saying with the phones. I think we get a decent amount of personal freedom. Other than that, your structure is good(last paragraph was weak but whatever), and you organized it well. Decent grammar too.
ReplyDeleteI would give you a solid band 2 due to your lack of professional tone, but great points and structure that seemed to help take your mind off of lack of tone.
ReplyDeleteYou used clear and mature expression to convey your point to your well directed audience. Band1/2 range for sure. Good job!
ReplyDeleteLike most everyone said, you definitely lacked a professional tone, and it came off as more demanding and cynical than anything. You had very strong structure, but I wish you would've gone more in depth into the topics and had a more "solutions-oriented" take on it, other than just complaining, really. Though I do love, love, love, your last paragraph, I feel like there's not enough substances to it. You simply just skimmed over the biggest underlying issue at MIA. For me, it's a Band 2, homie.
ReplyDelete